Why I turn down relationships

In light of Valentines day 2020 and the guys that are gonna get rejected in the future :")

I hope i don't come off bitter or wtv in this post. Like yes i was never in a relationship but it was never cause i couldn't (?) like i turned down 4 guys as of right now lol. It's srsly not a flex cos they were all my friends and 1 was like my big bro, another 2 could've been great potential friends :") the last guy was just creepy la i'm sure every girl has encountered a creepy desperate guy so yeaaa

“How can u love anyone else when you can't even love yourself???”

This quote is one of the reasons why i never got into a serious relationship. lol. i don't feel completely at ease with myself, sometimes i feel some of my friends and my parents root for me more than i root for myself, like they trust and believe in me more than i do for myself and i find that a very sad fact that i have to like fix(?) Like how can you not be your biggest supporter you know?

Another reason is because i find it hard to commit.

Y'all may not know me very well so let me just provide a quick run down of my character and how i live my life. I am determined. If i truly want it, i will work hard and find ways to attain it. I am able to stick to the things i need to do and accomplish them in a time frame. But i do find it a chore. Given a choice, i wouldn't want to put in so much work just to achieve something, if there's a shortcut i will take it: saves my time and energy. To me a relationship is a want not a need. I don't need a guy, i want a guy. For comfort, for fun, etc. Having a boyfriend is like he HAS to listen to you. He HAS to care for you. Things like that, feels nice. But again, it's a want. I don't NEED someone who will always reply to my msgs and talk to me when i'm bored. Seems selfish, kind of you know? I've been okay being single for 19 years. I wouldn't say its lonely because it's not that bad? Like i have funny asf friends and my friends do are for me. Making sure i eat and shit like that uk? Never needed a guy then, don't need a guy now. Simple. On another note, because i don't find it a need, i don't see why i should put myself out there and add more responsibility on my plate. A relationship involves 2 (or more) people and to be fair to each other, y'all needa be on the same page and take each other serious. And that's a responsibility that i'd rather not take up. I have alot of guy friends and some of which i'm damn close to ah and like i don't feel any boyfriend is going to be okay with the fact that i talk to so many guys lol (i'm on call with a guy in NS right now as i'm typing this AHAHAHA) yea for my own sanity and to be fair to the guy, it's better if i say no to relationships right now you know? If i get into a relationship, my boyfriend has to realise my friends come first LOL I KNOW ITS DAMN WEIRD BUT YEA MY FRIENDS BEEN WIT ME THRU THICK AND THIN I AIN'T GON STOP SEEING THEM OR TEXTIN THEM ALL DAY JUST COS I HAVE A BF LOL WTF???!!! I know what it feels like to have ur friends leave u in the dust after they get attached and i hate that feeling so yes. I'm still gon be thr for my friend 24/7 even when im attached. Married is different story ah, esp when kids are involved. My baby gon come before me or my husband lol. So yeaa friends will come before my boyfriend but they'll come after my baby and husband. I find this reasonable ah cos my baby needs me and my husband. So yea thinkin frm baby POV uks? (real wifey material right here ;))

I also find it hard to be open and vulnerable lol help

Alot of my friends would say i'm brave. Got big balls. Big BDE energy type beat. But like i seriously cannot open up sometimes. Like some of my friends don't know about my family. Legal issues and discrimination. Literally only like 1 person knows about legal issues. I have never talked about the discrimination i faced from a certain side of the family. I am a biracial kid so yea, can't be helped lol. As much as i talk about self love, self care and what not. I am battling self image issues. Sometimes i find myself too fat. Other times i find myself mad annoying for being so loud, so talkative. I am almost never at peace with myself and i just can't see my unstable self being in a relationship and dragging a guy down with me. I just talked to a friend who just got out of a relationship yesterday. They didn't work out because of one of them having unresolved internal conflicts. When i asked him what he was looking for in a partner, (not because i was fuckin hitting on him i was just curious, wouldn't date a friend, too much at stake lol) he said he wanted someone who was stable. Has their shit tgt. And i feel like it's something people generally want? Like it's fair to say you only want stable people. Hell, i do too. So i guess i ain't gon put myself out there in the market until i'm better.

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Sorry, random cut but i left to eat with my parents. We were eating and talking and suddenly they started arguing. It happened like 5 mins ago but i can't even remember what was the cause of the argument. I kind of rmbr what was said but like that's it. I just sat there all awkward and quiet and uncomfortable asf. They work together. They don't really have a break from each other at all. Working together, staying at home together, seeing the kids everyday and they're a reminder of each other. Life sucks. They're always fighting. I don't want this for me and my bf or husband or wtv it is. But i feel like it will be. My astrological reading for my future says so. I'm scared. I see them get at it every time i come to the office with them. I'm sick of it. Can't imagine what they feel like. They're always arguing. Over the smallest of issues i swear. I'm so done. This honestly has nothing to do with what i've said at all in the previous paragraphs i'm just. idk. Relationships are hard asf. And i don't think i'm ready