"Too lonely, seems like real fun"

copy and paste the title (its a song lyric) into google. go listen to the song that this lyric is from. if u can't multitask (listen and read) then just listen to the song first then come back, if u can, listen to the song as u read this.

ive been gone from here for like a month, are u surprised? probably not. i didn't sleep last night. i was going to at arnd midnight but then my boyfriend called and we talked till like 2 ish and then i went to watch the new khalid vid which was a remix pf his song eleven with summer walker. then i listened to more disappointing songs on youtube till like 3 in the morning and made a cup of cheese sauce and ate it in the dark empty room next to my bedroom. then i laid in my bed till my mom called to eat. aft eating i checked my phone and after that i slept. hard. till like 4 ish so yea. since that 5am phone check where i replied good morning to a guy friend and replied my boyfriend and i think replied a groupchat, i havent turned on my phone. at 5am tmrw it would be 24hrs without textin or callin anyone, basically i didnt talk to anyone except my family.

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its 7am. i turned on my phone and answered all outstanding msgs. only one person realised smth was amiss. some of my friends actin funny and arent talkin to me, i shldve expected this since i fell off the face of the earth with absolutely no warning. im so tired. i wish i could build a friend. or maybe i just need loyal subjects AHAHAHA im too lazy to cater to people but i want people to cater to me. sigh. but anyways, only one person realised and no one took extreme measures to see wassup. so technically if i left with my parents knowing like going overseas or smth, and then vanish im good. none of my friends will try to contact me. idk how long it would take them to notice. i will try a 48hr disappearance and then see whats up. i think 48hrs is enough time to run further than people can actually track u, if i didnt sleep at all those 48hr and actually spent it travelling. a part of me is sad no one would try to find me but it is what it is. no use being sad. reality really hurts, i wanna say sometimes but like reality always fucking hurts so. i would also like to add being vulnerable is so painful. its like u take a knife to cut urself open and let ur partner peer in whenever they please and they get mad at u when u stitch up the cut so u lay there bleeding as they peer whenever and when u die from blood loss, they go find someone else to do the same thing to. its a lie to say guys are not vulnerable bcos they are but they rarely open up- i never get to date those that open up like a normal human being. maybe cos im dating boys and not men but like men have toxic masculinity traits and i think thats worse than playing with some childish boys. the boys i get are not vulnerable and petty. sigh. is this a reflection of me? am i really petty? i do admit sometimes i wish i portrayed myself different. i wish i portrayed myself as mean faced but nice when u get to talking, cant date because shes very easily jealous --and needs constant attention like the guy would always need to initiate convo and dont ever guilt trip me for it and u come up with all the gifts and outings and never expect anyth of me-- type of girl. but i cant. i want to be independent and self serving so i cant be THAT kind of female but oh wont life be easier. if from the get go guys know i hate u talkin to any other female romantically apart from me, hate it when im not top 3 priority (how hard can it be? top priority be yrself, 2nd be ur family and third be me. like is that too much to ask for? apparently so.) im literally so damn drained. "when im in a relationship i'm damn srs one" lol what a big fat joke. u still are on tinder and talking to girls. u still are answering insta dms. but i cant say anyth bcos im not supposed to be the jealous type. so fuck it dude. do ahead. do more and let me adapt. one day none of this fuckery will affect me and its a good thing, cos all boys are the same.

no matter how good a guy is, he will NEVER understand a female. and i will say vice versa. no matter how long i spent on earth, talkin to guys, being in rs with guys i will probably never understand their logic, how they work etc etc. but one thing i know for a fact, males will NEVER EVER have the emotional capacity to fully care for a female. but to be in rs u dont have to fully accommodate to their emotional needs. there just has to be grounds of understanding like if she dont like that, dont fucking do it and vice versa. i like how this blog post for an experiment turned into a i hate my life rant session. but anyways sorry for disappearing for like a month. im going to sleep now. thank you for reading. till next time, stay safe and dont be like me and compromise ur happiness. u before anything or anyone. sending love from my lil bedroom :) and maybe i'll see yall on wednesday hehe